Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Inspire Me To Aspire!!

I hate the fact that I have been too busy to find the time to other excuse but I just had been too busy to prioritize things that is very therapeutic to me like writing and sharing my thoughts with my friends. I really find writing therapeutic.

I have so much to write but today I have decided to talk about my aspirations in life. I would say that I am a very determined person. If I believe in something, I would work towards it despite the odds. A very fond example would be how I went through the odds, hell and back to vow for eternity with Adlil. People who knew me back then knew the hell that I had to endure to be with my Adlil. Honestly, if you ask me, despite wishing that there wasn't that much of drama, it was worth it because Adlil was and is indeed a gem! It was an effort well spent ;-). I could never ask for more because I believe that Adlil was my 2nd Chance in my life that Allah had bestowed upon me in the pursuit to eternal happiness. So when he proposed I went on with it eventhough I knew the hell that awaits was worth it as it thought me to be more levelled and appreciate the finer things in life. I know one thing for a fact that not having enough money taught me to appreciate my partner and the little things in life that seems insignificant at one point in my life.
That was 12 years ago. As time passes, I tend to find myself thinking in which direction or what path our life is taking us on. Are we really happy as we seem or are we actually miserable inside? What do we really want out of life? How do we plan on achieving it? Are we willing to go through hell and back to reach that level of aspiration? Hmmm

These are many questions that I usually ask myself when opportunities are staring me in the face. At this time, I usually try to find out what is the most logical thing to do and my next course of action which usually boils to...the hell, just go for it.

To be honest, I think that the time has come. I am at a point in time in my life when I am trying to make things better for myself and the family. I am an ambitious person, sometimes too ambitious for my own good if you ask me. I tend to put too high of an expectation for myself. Alhamdullilah, I have reached that point of my career that I aspire to have at the age of 34..not bad huh..

Besides having a partner whom to me is the perfect human being and having stability in my career which I can safely say I have somewhat acheived. Most of my aspirations deal with improving myself and my self worth. I have to be all that I can be, accepting no limitations.

One of the most important goals that I have for myself is having morally upright and decent children who have strong believes in what they want on life and work towards acheiving them, respect their elders, have a balance in life and the life after - in short, becoming happy contented individuals who believes in the eternal power above them all, Allah S.W.T.
I also aspire the become better friends to all the wonderful friends that Allah has bestowed upon me. All these wonderful people who have always been with me through thick and thin. To them, I aspire to become better friends. My circle of friends may be exclusive and small but over the years I learnt the hard way that it is not the quantity but the quality that matters.

My next aspiration is to ensure that I keep and improve my faith towards the Al-Mighty. I inspire to become a better Muslim and not turn to him only when I am in need. I think over the years, all of us got better. Insyallah, it will get better and better as time passes. That is one of my aspirations.

Besides having a wonderful soulmate, great children, wonderful friends, a renewed faith, I aspire to have better health of the mind and body, enhanced conscience and judgement to always do the right thing. I aspire to have a clear conscience which I am sure would lead having a stress free and happy life. I know for a fact that it is not just me but this is something that everyone wishes to acheive in some point in their lives. Rather wait for later, I aspire to start as soon as I can so that I could enjoy what is left of my life better with more contentment.
In short I aspire to be a better person and have a happy, contented, well balanced, stress free life, full of love and learn to live with the imperfections of myself and the others around me. Of course I aspire to have more money but having that alone would not justify my main purpose in life to have a successful life dunia akhirat, Amin.
P/S: I had loads of pictures to load but after waiting for almost an hour plus, I gave up. we will try our luck tomorrow ya!!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Gimme some soul..mate!!

Soulmates..that may sound so cliche. Overly rated and used. I donno I was just talking to a friend who is an ardent fan of my humble pieces of writing. She asked how I would define talking about soulmates. It made me stop to think and ponder in depth to this word.

Some would define soul mates as individuals who met this person who he/she thinks is a person whom they want to spend eternity with, to have their marriage to be a great one. For their marriage relationship to feel like a natural fit. Although they, like all married couples, need to put a priority on their marriage, it is not hard to do because they have a sense of being at ease and connected with one another. That is what everyone would associate what soulmates are. A bond that is shared by two married people. A bit over rated if you ask me :-P

If you believe in the idea of only one soul mate for each person, you may assume that a partnership of two soul mates should be able to handle challenging times easily. That may not always be the case.

Just because you are in tune to one another, each of you are willing to take responsibility for your role in contributing to the conflict, and are both committed to making the marriage a successful one -- your marriage can still fall apart if other essentials such as love, respect, and communication are missing.I feel that if you start looking for perfection in your spouse, or think that everything in your relationship should immediately click, and that there won't be any problems, you are setting yourself up for a dose of heavy disillusionment. Another danger in believing in the concept of soul mates is taking your marriage relationship for granted.

There can be temptation to bail out of an unhappy marriage if you think your spouse isn't your soul mate. If you think that marriage to your soul mate will mean a life free from hard times and conflict, you are not facing reality. Some people may think that if you've not married your soul mate, don't just walk away from the relationship for that reason alone. Spend some time getting to know yourself a bit better first. You can't find your perceived soul mate if you haven't found yourself first. That is why it is important for you to have a clear direction on what you yourself define as soul mates.

However, I beg to differ. My perception of what soulmate is a little bit more than that. I define it as one of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity. Someone for whom you have a deep affinity. A person temperamentally suited to another. It doesn't necessarily mean that your other half may necessarily be your soulmate. Soul mates can come in lotsa form. Sometimes there are two people who may be commited to their own other half but sometimes finds that they are connected to another person on a whole different level..Hard to explain but I guess people who actually get where I am going through would fully understand where I am getting at. Soulmates can also be defined as that when two people who finds themselves totally connected to each other, an intense feeling of connectivity and sync.
Your soul mate can be your friend, a companion, a lover, your better half or may be just this other person who you are connected to a certain level connection that results you to become very much comfortable and at ease with this person. When you meet your soul mate, you will be surprised yourself..because, you will somewhat know when this person immerges, just how when I met my Adlil, no words were exchanged but we both felt that ultimately strong connection. Although we started off as casual friends, we both knew that we were connected beyond that and deep in our hearts we knew that we were destined to be together eventhough we had to go to held and back, in and out of relationships with other was sure worth the 5 year wait!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Some say its grapevine…I say it is just plain bitching.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and she was really in a somber mood. She was very much affected by the malicious rumour mongering that was going round about her at the office and round our social circle. She was practically in tears and was super upset with the news that was flying around. After she was calmer, regain her composure and was no saying NO to my every sentence. The news that was flying around was that she was having an affair with a married chap who falls under the sought after category of a guy.

I held her hand and said…"WTF Girl, Why should you be preoccupied with what people are saying about you, they don't put food on your table, they don't help you pay the bills, all they do is just talk". She was stunned and said to me " Wei woman, what happened to you? The Yaya I use to remember use to be the one who was forever conscious about what people said about her". My answer to her sarcasm was simple – It was gone when I said YES to Panjang. She smiled and gave me a peculiar smirk.

It is true and this goes all the all my friends out there. I am sharing this with you guys because this is such a common scenario that happens in our everyday lives. So what? We talk, we bicker, we bitch about others. It may be some harmless and innocent bitching or gossiping. However, some people just take a step further to sensationalize the issue for the F@%! Of it. Agreed?

If we are giving in and getting ourselves so worked out about what people are saying behind our back, then we are giving them the upper point up. Whatever for? Why give them the satisfaction? Why are we surrendering to their bickering? We shouldn't do that. Instead, what we should do is that face it like a mature adult. Show to them that what they are saying about you is not true. Don't give them the satisfaction of thinking that what they say has that sort of effect Some people just find pleasure in depicting other people's dirty linen. Trust me may it be man or woman, people in general loves talking and getting scoops on others especially if the thing involves betrayal and some form of scandalous crap. I have to admit as a human being, I do too.

The way grapevine communication works is one person, Person 1, sends a message to Person 2 and Person 3. Then, Person 2 tells Person 4 and Person 5. And Person 3 tells Person 6. Not all participants within the grapevine send messages. Some participants are just receivers. These people just listen without taking any action. These people do not spread, they just keep 'em to' em self and bring them to their grave. Some people on the other hand take a step further by sensationalizing the story and pass it to another person.

I have been doing some "research" on this bitching and grapevine because of late, I seem to be encountering with this may it be about myself or may it be about my friends. The amount of grapevine that takes place in enormous!! So these types of rumors that are spread through grapevine communication I would say can put into two groups; spontaneous and premeditated. What I would like to call Spontaneous rumors is when people spread crappy rumours when people are stressed or in an untrustworthy environment. Premeditated rumors spread within highly competitive environments. This can be caused by numerous factors wish fulfillment, jealousy, incompetency anxiety, wedge drivers, and home stretchers. All these and more are reasons why low life morons like this grapevine about other people.

Like I was just telling a close comrade who was so affected by the rumours that was going around about him. He was at the point that he wanted to just drop everything and hid away from society. He just wanted to get out from the circle of friends he is in and he wanted OUT from everything. Pretty Dumb if you ask me because why be bothered with what this miniscule group of people are saying about him and most especially when what is being said was just grapevine per se. I told him further that why they are saying all this about him is because this is all new to everyone so it gives everyone, every reason to be inquisitive and talk about it. This is because this is all NEW, so when its new, its of the latest scoop, fresh from the oven then people TALK. So, why stupidly give in when at the end of the day you are giving this people the satisfaction to make you feel crappy about yourself. Like as if you have done something wrong. Reacting negatively like that shows that you are in the think again..are you?

To me some people just spreading rumours for the sake of "being the first to know. I knew the whole story but I didn't utter a word to anyone. That is what friendship is about. It is about being there for your friend, believing in him and try your utmost best to just be his friend by not telling. That is what true friends are all about.

You know why I get that peace of mind now? It is because I couldn't five an F to what people say about me. To me what is important is the fact that my other half, family and good friends know me well and know that what is said are just malicious grapevine. Why do you need to give in to these stupid morons coz if you do, it makes you a moron too right? These are unhappy people who do not have a decent life to lead. So, why react and trust me, at the end of the day, the stupidest person in this whole scenario is none other than YOU!! Why let them have that satisfaction. Why should we allow this people suck the life of you? We don't owe them anything, not even an explanation let alone a reason for them to talk about. Don't EVER do that!! It makes you look like the weakest link who is affected by the slightest form of bickering. To put it short, a jerk!!

Me being me, I would always be forever honest and upfront with my friends, and sometimes I do that without sparing their feelings. If you want an honest upfront real answer you come to me. But if you are looking for someone who would nurse your ego sorry, then you came to the wrong confession dock baby!! However, to me that is so much better as there is no pretence, no bickering and no back stabbing. That is cooler than otherwise. I would want my friends to do so.

Well, its human nature and sometimes you cannot really avoid it from happening. So, one final advise I have to all my friends out there, never allow anyone make you feel inadequate or inferior of yourself. Call it grapevine, gossiping. Hearsay, tittle-tattle, blather or natter, I say is sheer BITCHING. Don't you think so?

Friday, July 17, 2009

I am Blessed!!

I suddenly felt inspired to write today. I guess looking things around me suddenly it daunted me to write just a bit about my life. Hey 2009 turned out to be a FINE year for me. Honestly, here I am at work looking around me to find somewhat an inspiration, a source of happiness but with no avail. That was then suddenly I had a huge smile on my face, I saw the faces of people whom my ultimate joy in living comes from; my family and friends!!

Life may not be a bed of roses for me right now, but this only refers to my job which now I have learnt to just shove it aside after 5.30pm and never let the stress of work get the best of me. Now, I am more focused. I am looking out of the window for other options but you and me know that this is just NOT the right time just as yet. However I think it is going to be real soon. I am just waiting for Allah to give that one special miracle.

Apart from that I shouldn't be complaining. I am blessed. This actually turned out to be a good year for me. Not that bad although I think I could do better in terms of the Career department which I am trying so hard to go through right now.

I am blessed to have a wonderful husband. MY perfect guy. He takes good care of the kids and I. He goes out of his way to do things to make me smile. The best part of it all is the fact how he helps around the house. Very hard to get a guy as helpful and adorable like this. That much I know. I hear my girlfriends all complaining that their other half just don't lift a finger at all at home. As for Adlil, he does the housework wholeheartedly. He does it because he wants to. Apart from that my Adlil tries to pamper me and gives me a whole lot of attention whenever he can.

12 years ago, My Adlil never did appear as a husband yet alone Papa traits and quality. Him with his macho, cool and indifferent fa├žade. He painted the picture like he was the "Like he didn't have the care in the world" type of guy". Never did it appear to me that he would be what he is now. Simply perfect!! I love him to bits for taking good care of the kids and I.

Looking at the kids, Alhamdullilah how they have grown. Time seems to be zooming so fast. Alief aka Abang is doing so much better now, socially. A great brother who dotes on his siblings. We still thinks that he tends to give in too much to his siblings and they tend to take advantage of this. Nevertheless, he has turned to be such a good boy. Some of my friends adores his good manners and I am proud of him. He is an average boy who gives me average grades in school but he makes me proud for what he has become.

Qyra, my warrior princess. A lot of spunk in my only princess. A smart girl who is extremely inquisitive about things around her and super attentive with minute details. She went through a bit of an episode with her health a month ago. Nevertheless she fought it through and I know it is because of her strong will power was what made it easier for her to become better. Such a artistic, clever and talented girl. A lot like me who is strong willed (sometimes a bit too much for her own good), passionate, caring, attentive and smart. Too pampered sometimes if you ask me by dearest Adlil. Well can't blame him since she is our only princess. Girls tend to be more incline towards their father and that also applies to my ever dearest only daughter.So. I pretty much have grown accustom to that fact. Alhamdullilah she is doing really well in school and she has no problems whatsoever fitting in school. She is adored by her teachers, who speak highly of her. Sometimes Adlil and I tend to wonder whether they are talking about our Qyra Adlina who needs to be reminded constantly to help with the house work. Well, you can't really get everything right?

Last but not least is my lil cute and adorable monster Raiyan. Aeyen is such a handful adorable little thing. He keeps everyone especially my dearest mummy on her feet all day. Time seems to flies. He will be turning TWO in a couple of days. He is super duppa active that he is always up to something. Very observant and has a passion for vehicles. His current amusement now is construction vehicles and lorries. He has quite a few toys at home ranging from diggers, lorries and trucks. Very amused with it!! He is actively running around and I must say that he can really keep you on your toes. Nevertheless, he is a joy to have cause he really amuses us with his trick and traits that is really cheeky and cute all rolled into one.

I am so delighted to have my mummy taking care of my children. Not everyone has the privilege to have their mummies looking after their kids. You feel very much secure, happy and contented to leave your children when you are off to work because you know that they are in good hands!! I don't think that anyone can do it better than our own mummy in terms of bringing up our children. The only thing that I think mummy dearest pampers him a bit too much. But I always say to myself, "Tak pa la, at least she gives him the attention that he deserves since I am mostly not home cause we spend more time at work rather than at home. Now that we don't have a stay in maid I know and understand that it is an uphill task for my mum. I really don't know what I would do without her.

I am also blessed to have great friends whom some I have known half of my life, parted our ways after Uni while some I was lucky to encounter along the way. As for my Uni buddies, I am so happy that since last 2 years we were re-united and the best part after all this years, we are as tight as before or shall I say share a tighter bond. We practically just picked up where we left off. Superb!! I guess all the years that we have been apart made us appreciate that our friendship is priceless. I can picture ourselves in 20 – 30 years from now and we will still be yamcha-ing together happily gossiping away. Friends like these are hard to come by. The best part, even our fave lecturer in Uni now is our 'bosom buddy". Iza, Reen, Ray, Hani, Anis, Intan, Pet, Alang, Huggable, Syazril, Era, Cik Roy, Farah, Tham and Ayin. You guys rock my world and I will cherish the friendship that we share. There is also Zett, my mate ol pal!! Some people from school like Maymay, Shelly, Yon, Salidah, Joel, Watie, Myra, Salina, guys are the greatest. Then there are some good people who became good buddies like Salina, Fafai aka My Boboi, Tasz and to all our MMC boys and better half. You guys colour my world. At least I don't feel so 'dead' being in JB , 360km away from my kind of CIVILIZATION and friends! Sorry cannot mention all of you but you know who you are and how special you are in my lives!!

The best part is we are going to move to our own Micasa!! It is now going through some renovation works and I am only going to present the house once it is all ready. It is our pride and joy!! The feeling is extremely out of this world.

What else can I say, I am truly Blessed!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Leaving The Door Slightly Ajar

Wow!! To be utterly honest this wasn't that easy for me to write. No names would be mentioned but let's just say this is a fictional character out from my fave author Candace Bushnell's. Very edgy with a Sex & the City or 5th Avenue feel. Nevertheless, hate to dissapoint all of you that for this short and humble piece, they will not be any saucy sex scenes, next time maybe; hehehehe

I had to go for a 45 minute drive all bymyself, with the radio blasting with MY kinda music, just to be inspired. I just wanted to get away on my own and reconcile what I have made to understand via some weird encounter. Just enjoy this post as a fictional post with some thoughts for us to ponder upon. Well, since I am working on my first soon to be published fiction, I thought I should might as well put my skills to the test.

Sara has a life that everyone envied and could ever dream possible. A doting partner that adores her like no other and treats her like a princess that god had drop down from heaven just for him. She had been married for the past decade and the devotion they had for each other was beyond intense. A close friend of mine once said - The true indication that you want to have this chick for keeps is to see how beautiful she looks every morning when she wakes up. Without fail for the past decade, her other half would always say how beautiful she looks every morning when he wakes up next to her. To him it was sheer blessing to open his eyes every morning and feast his soul to that wonderful beautiful face that he vowed eternity to. She has children who are a joy to have. She had and still do have that perfect life that is to die for. A 5 figure salary and career that was classified Grade A status in the eyes of the common public.

Besides her attractive self comes a pleasant personality that everyone just adores. She has the IT life. The life that everyone would only dream about. She treats herself to occasional Pradas and Guccis coz she deserves it,every bit of it. Then, one fine day without her actually realizing, she left her door slightly ajar and that is when lady luck just came knocking on her door.

That was the start to the emotional whirlwind phase of her life that she is currently undergoing. Sara left the door slightly ajar and that is when she welcomed possibilities to come into her perfect life. Call it a mistake, call it fluke but she refuses to call it all that. She thinks its fate. That is when she allowed Ace to come into her "oh so perfect" life. Not that this was the first time she had suitors drooling over her witty personality and adorable looks. Never even once she never had allowed them to ever make their presence in his life. Why Ace? Why not the others who tried so hard to just get Sara to even notice their existence. Those are questions that Sara doesn't have any answers to. Despite all that, she was willing to hang on to infactuation to see where this was leading to.

To further complement her life is that she is blessed with friends that would go through hell and back for her. Friends who are for keeps and would never judge her ever not even for an instance. Her friends were sensing something was not at the right place with Sara. She seems distracted, aloof and preoccupied. That is when one of her pals asked abruptly - Sara. are you seeing someone? Sara was dumbfonded , flabbergasted and shocked!! Crap!! It was so obvious that it could be seen through her. Dammit!! She paused, hesitated but at the end blurted out a "sort of". Her friends were shocked but they tried so hard to stay composed and collected to ensure Sara was comfortable to level with them. However, she wasn't ready to spill the beans as she felt so inadequate to confess to what she considers as her letting her guard down. This is something which you would never seen of Sara. She would always be the one who is most composed; the one who all friends would come running to for that sense of comfort, a shoulder to cry on, someone they would confide in. Sara would be the one who be knockin some sense; a dose of reality check. This time all eyes were on Sara. Still, she wasn't ready to spill who "her kekasih gelap" was. Everyone although anxious, gave her the benefit of the doubt. Sara said "No worries, its not exclusive". They left it at that as they saw how uncomfortable she was to pursue the conversation.

A day after the meet, one of the girls who was utterly concerned called her to touch base with her. Sara just muttered, "I am anxious coz there may be something intense in store and the shitty bit is that I am willing to see where this is heading to." There was this moment of intensity in her voice and if you listened carefully, you can hear that her voice was cracking..silently. There was that intense moment of silence but Sara was still adamant on not sharing this whirlwind that she is undergoing. Sara being that concern friend tried to change the subject and made it clear that those two lines were the only thing that she was willing to part with at the moment.

Sara pondered on the thought, what the hell is she feeling and why Ace? He was obviously not her type but she had developed a strong inclination towards him. The hell? Why? He wasn't anything like her other half whom Ace just couldn't match interms of looks, charisma and poise. He was a plain Joe who could not even contain a decent conversation. Sara was known for her intellectual dialogues and to her that was extremely important as a basis of a good relationship. He was not the type that would sweep one off their feet with their romancing and with Ace; efforts was also obviously not executed at all. He is a person that was very much pre-occupied with himself and didn't care for anyone's feelings except for himself. He was always and forever paranoid but somehow that sort of declined to a bearable level. Sounds like a jerk and the question is since when Sara was attracted to jerks? She always avoided and steered clear from them. Well like they say, there is always the first to everything so Sara is adamant to see where the water is leading towards. What is important is that Sara knows Ace makes her happy and comfortable with no form of pretence.

Some would say that Sara was heading towards dangerous liasion just for the kicks? That is a question that only time can tell. No pre-judgement and no love involved. That is what makes it all so easy to feel comfortable. Nevertheless Sara's concern, thoughtfulness and care is all real without a doubt.

Shitty but amazing how that corkiness could make her let her guard down. I guess that is one thing that she had wished Ace would do, make her feel distinctive as how she longed he would, not for any reason but just to attain the moment. She knows that it was certainly not love but more of an infactuation; an infactuation that she was enjoying.

She is admitting to herself that Ace made her happy and at this point in time that is what's important to her. Both Sara and Ace were already commited with each other's life partners and which neither was willing to part with. But what they are having feels good to a point that Sara feels that she wants to pursue just to see where it would lead to. Obviously no where. Is it due to the adrenaline rush, since she was a freak when it comes to excitement. What? She is guessing it is merely the companionship and nothing more.

But why the hell is Sara drawn to him? Is it because he filled that minuscule gap in her oh so perfect life. However, one thing that Sara was sure of is that her love towards her other half was still the same, as passionate and avid as how it was a decade ago. Why? Why? Sara for once in her perfect 34 year life had no answers to this obscurity. What were they pursuing? Nothing but the trill of the vagueness and secrecy. Yet Sara is wiling to stick on to see what was in store for her. Bottomline is Sara is happy and that is all that matters..sounds cruel and self-absorbed but to her it gives her some sense of contentment.

I know you guys are all trying to figure out who the hell does this snippet refers to. Before you jump to your own assumptions and conclusion, Sara & Ace are just fictional characters that are all in us, whether you realize or not and whether one allows it to resurface is secondary. Obviously not me but just a soul that wants that adrenaline rush in her life that she is leaving her door slightly ajar to allow chance who came knocking on her door,into her life for reason even she cannot decipher.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

My First Born Has A Zit!!

OMG! I came back home after yet another unfufilling day at work. I have never been a fan of this crap of working on SATURDAYS - not my thing. Really unproductive. No action at all. The phone at our office also shuts off on Saturdays. Back to the story, well I came back from the office, honked and there my ever efficient No1 was running to the gate to open the gate for me. It has always been my routine to stop and open up the window and ask him how his day was. That is when I saw something rather peculiar on his chin.....the inaugural ZIT. Then being a kanchong Mama that I am, I parked the car and ran towards him. He was caught off guard trying to understand why the hell Mama is fussing over what he calls "A Dot". Then, we heard Papa's machine roaring. He said "Papa is back, nanti can ask Papa what this is"

Tak sempat Papa nak remove his helmet, Mama came running and broke the news to him. He got equally excited and ran towards him and said "My Boy is a Man now" - a statement which Mama wasn't amused with. Then Alief ran into the house and checked out his "DoT" in the mirror trying to decipher what the commotion was all about and ran into his room. Then, I told Adlil that now he has to step in to deal with the issue, which he did. He went upstairs took his facial cleanser and called Alief for a quick tutorial.

Still not satisfied, I insisted that we had his "doT' checked out. Went to the Pharmacy and headed to the face cleanser aisle. I looked at all the off the counter facial cleanser and tried to figure out what would be suitable for a 10 going to 11 year old boy. Saw this nivea and biore cleanser for men and I paused for a while and said to myself that "He's not a man yet so I guess this is not for him"

Little that I noticed that I was watched from a far by the pharmacist who came up to me and said "May I help you to look for something ma'am" So I called out for Alief who was still oblivious towards my fuss. I said to the pharmacist " Can you check this 'dot" for me? What is it? She looked at the "doT" and said "This is a pimple ma'am". So, ignoring (or rather not wanting to accept the real truth)", I ignored her and went on to me quest of obtaining my son his first facial cleanser". She stood there and said, "I think I can help you, do you need help?" I nodded slowly. She handed me a tube of Johnson's Soft Facial Cleanser and said " this would be sufficient for him, not too harsh on the skin". I took the tube from her, thanked her and headed to the cashier who gave me what I thought was a smirk - I guess that is for my kachongness that was obvious throughout the store. So, I paid and handed the buy to Alief. He said "Thanks Mama, please don't be upset with the 'doT'. Its only a doT..The DoT that made me realize that my son is all grown up now...Sigh... My Boy is all grown up!!


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What Have We Turned Into??

Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. And it will leave you unfulfilled - Barrack Obama

I find so much truth in this quote by Mr. President. I guess now I am becoming such a slave to money that I become soul - less. I have been pondering on this thought long and hard since I got back from my super duppa trip from Phuket. Well, that I'll talk to you guys in the nexy entry. Today I wanna deal with this intense issue that I have within me. Something that I want to deal with openly. Let me pre-caution you that this entry needs at least 10 minutes of your time as its pretty lengthy.

I love to write. People who knows me knows that for a fact. The last time I wrote for this blog that was suppose to be my outlet of thoughts has also become redundant, which I never ever wanted it to be as such. However, nowadays I don't even have time to do that. Shitty!! I know it is just a lame excuse. Honestly, I just had a self realization week. OMG I think I have become a soul-less human being. A human being that is pre-occupied with wealth and abundance. Come to think of it, who isn't? Wealth, money financial security would always be on everyone's main priority list.
Pre-occupied with "harta dunia"? I have been doing some major soul searching of what I really want. I turn to my Adlil, My mum, My Friends, Allah The Al-Mighty and myself for answers. Astarafirullahalazim.
I guess people who have known me all these years knew what hell I went through last year, I went through ground zero that I swore to myself that I don't ever want to go back there ever again. I went through the phase in my life where for once, I had no control of my life and the hardest part of it all is I saw my life heading to having NOTHING. My self esteem, confidence, ego was maliciously bruised.

With all the encouragement I got from people who genuinely cared, people who were there for me and I guess Allah was listening to my cry for help, I bounced back; I was given that second chance. Given a chance to proof to myself especially that I am worth it. I am smart, talented but all that has happened to me last year was just not pointing to that. All it was pointing to is me being a complete failure. Friendships were tested, patience was put to the ultimate test and at the end of it all, I was left with a brutally bruised self esteem which I never thought I could never ever regain.

Allah gave me that chance to proof that I am still worth every penny. I got a job that came with a good package - good friends, time was blissful too - I had time with my kids & Adlil. Actually that was really sheer contentment & happiness. Then, being a adrenaline rush freak, I wanted more..I wasn't contented when now when I think back.I should have. However, it is so not my nature to look back and regret. I would rather try it out first and if in the end I can't, I would throw in the towel. I am the type of person who is not ashamed to admit defeat after I have gave it my all.

I guess at that point I got a lil insatiable. Yaya just wanted more, wanted to just proof a point that she was still "marketable" in every sense of the word. So when I got the job with a fat pay cheque, I just didn't think so long and hard about it that I dived in head on. Although I had people who knew what I was getting myself into that I was making a big mistake..I just didn't bother. All I was pre-occupied with is the thought that - I am "IN" the league, with the big boys. I am back.

But what I sort of feel kinda shitty right now is I was going against myself. I was so determined and adamant that I wanted to lead that subdued life. I was (still am) a confused adrenaline rush freak who was contradicting myself. When I decided to take it slow because of the kids and try to prioritize things, I told myself that I was not going to let myself be drawn in with this la-di-da of the corporate world. That I was going to take a step back and just be contented with what life has to offer me which is actually ample. It is even archieved in my earlier posts..I was going to be less materialistic and focus on the other things that is important in my life - my family, my soul, my faith. I was doing so well renewing all that when Allah just gave me so little to enjoy in terms of my career path. Then when he opened the door slightly ajar..where I could see my old life back..going up the corporate ladder, I got really tempted that I forgot what I was heading to. I wanted so much to proof to no one else but myself that I was still worth it. I was still sought after for my capabilities and talent. At that point in time I was so much geared towards healing my brutually bruisied ego.

Adlil, my avid ardent fan who never failed in being that wonderful supporter who always believed in me when I myself gave up, who never for a moment doubted me and my capabilities. I know in that deep deep place in your pure heart, you knew that I wasn't going to find what I was looking for but you just cheering for me because you saw the spunk it me that you thought I had lost together with my bruised ego. Thank you Honne. Nevertheless, I cannot have you protecting me and catching me everytime I fall. This time, let me do this on my own, let me learn the hard way but I will managed.

Made a detour and see where I am now? A soul-less soul with no contentment in life, work but just doing it for the fat pay cheque at the end of the month....I let myself be manipulated by these people who is just using my talent and capabilities for their own benefit. I let myself be spiritually and emotionally maneuvered just for the sake of money. Is this what I really want? Ya Allah, what have I become. Where is my renewed faith? What happened to contentment? What happened to wanting to be happy? What happened to Yaya? No way, Yaya has too much dignity and self pride.

Now when I look back and contemplate, now I know probably Allah was just testing me to see whether or not I was sure of what I wanted or whether I was just preeching all that because at that point what I saw was I only had an significant infinitesimal advancement in my career, when in actual fact I had abundant, but I was too overwhelmed what was offered to me in terms of monetary that I refuse to see anything else. Of course everyone could use that extra cash to splurge on Coach, Todds, Gucci & Prada. Where are all the things that I was determined to live for? It was unsighted because of money. Why have I become so immense in "harta dunia"?? Human nature perhaps? That inner voice in you that says; More More More is Good..bullshit!!

Of late, some point or rather I thank Allah for making me realize the hard way that money cannot bring you the happiness that you thought you would accomplish. Allah is making me become conscious of what I really want is sheer contentment, happiness and peace of mind. Something that I can now identify and its all clear to me. I am going to make a change. I am going to make myself WHOLE again. I am going back where I am appreciated and not treated as some irrelevant individual that allows herself be manipulated because of the riches that in the end does not carry any weight in my life. Alhamdulillah.

Adlil, thanks for always believing in me making me always feeling like a million bucks every time. Yon, if you are reading this, I just wanna thank you for being a great friend at work who would always try to spare that lil time that you have to just listening to my grievances and making me laugh with your non sensical jokes. Mak - thanks for being proud of me & helping me raised 3 wonderful kids who my heart beats for. Anis, Iza, Intan, Hani, Zett@Mate Reen, Fara M, Huggable, Shazril, Nadia, Ray, T.Hyok Hwei, Myra, Asma & Salina, my only two sistas in the world Nana & Shasha - you guys are my best supporter and aficionado who I love so very much..your friendship and love means the world to me and I promise that I would never trade you for all the monies in the world. To all of you who have been a true friend, you know who you are, too many superbly wonderful people to mention. To Allah Al Rahman Al Rahim, thank you for your guidance. To Arwah Ayah, thank you for always looking out for me. I am going to make that change. Insyallah.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Proud Is The Word of the Day!!

Today was the ultimate proudest moment for me as a wife, "best-est" buddy to watch my other half striding towards yet another chapter in his life. Realizing his dream.
I am so proud of him and dropping him off on his new journey, honestly brought tears to my eyes. I have been so proud of him of what he has become and what he has acheived for himself and the familly. For today, PROUD is the word.
I am so uplifted today because my Adlil has just took up another step foward. Today is his orientation day. He is taking up Bachelor of Arts in Liberal Studies. I know its not going to be an easy task for him with work, the family - all these things demands a lot from him and he has been wonderful with all of this. His determination is adamant and that is so wonderful to see.

Change is growth!! This time I am on this side of the this time its my turn to be routing for him all the way and supporting him in any possible way. This time is about Adlil, his dream and aspirations. I made a vow to be as supportive as he was all throughot my life, my studies, my career. I thank Allah every single day and I am so so so thankful for his gift to me, My Adlil. He may not be perfect, but he is definitely PERFECT for ME. I could not ask for more. Now, its my turn to cheer him on, towards the finishing line. Even right now, I am still so very muchfeeling that spasm. I am utterly speechless from this beggaring description of an experience. "You go Honne!!" The Kids and I are behind you every step of the way to catch you when you stumble or fall, to celebrate when you've done good and cheering you on...

Well, today it is all about Adlil. Adlil has made the Harfy Bunch, Very Proud Campers!!