What Have We Turned Into??

Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. And it will leave you unfulfilled - Barrack Obama

I find so much truth in this quote by Mr. President. I guess now I am becoming such a slave to money that I become soul - less. I have been pondering on this thought long and hard since I got back from my super duppa trip from Phuket. Well, that I'll talk to you guys in the nexy entry. Today I wanna deal with this intense issue that I have within me. Something that I want to deal with openly. Let me pre-caution you that this entry needs at least 10 minutes of your time as its pretty lengthy.

I love to write. People who knows me knows that for a fact. The last time I wrote for this blog that was suppose to be my outlet of thoughts has also become redundant, which I never ever wanted it to be as such. However, nowadays I don't even have time to do that. Shitty!! I know it is just a lame excuse. Honestly, I just had a self realization week. OMG I think I have become a soul-less human being. A human being that is pre-occupied with wealth and abundance. Come to think of it, who isn't? Wealth, money financial security would always be on everyone's main priority list.
Pre-occupied with "harta dunia"? I have been doing some major soul searching of what I really want. I turn to my Adlil, My mum, My Friends, Allah The Al-Mighty and myself for answers. Astarafirullahalazim.

I guess people who have known me all these years knew what hell I went through last year, I went through ground zero that I swore to myself that I don't ever want to go back there ever again. I went through the phase in my life where for once, I had no control of my life and the hardest part of it all is I saw my life heading to having NOTHING. My self esteem, confidence, ego was maliciously bruised.

With all the encouragement I got from people who genuinely cared, people who were there for me and I guess Allah was listening to my cry for help, I bounced back; I was given that second chance. Given a chance to proof to myself especially that I am worth it. I am smart, talented but all that has happened to me last year was just not pointing to that. All it was pointing to is me being a complete failure. Friendships were tested, patience was put to the ultimate test and at the end of it all, I was left with a brutally bruised self esteem which I never thought I could never ever regain.

Allah gave me that chance to proof that I am still worth every penny. I got a job that came with a good package - good friends, time was blissful too - I had time with my kids & Adlil. Actually that was really sheer contentment & happiness. Then, being a adrenaline rush freak, I wanted more..I wasn't contented when now when I think back.I should have. However, it is so not my nature to look back and regret. I would rather try it out first and if in the end I can't, I would throw in the towel. I am the type of person who is not ashamed to admit defeat after I have gave it my all.

I guess at that point I got a lil insatiable. Yaya just wanted more, wanted to just proof a point that she was still "marketable" in every sense of the word. So when I got the job with a fat pay cheque, I just didn't think so long and hard about it that I dived in head on. Although I had people who knew what I was getting myself into that I was making a big mistake..I just didn't bother. All I was pre-occupied with is the thought that - I am "IN" the league, with the big boys. I am back.

But what I sort of feel kinda shitty right now is I was going against myself. I was so determined and adamant that I wanted to lead that subdued life. I was (still am) a confused adrenaline rush freak who was contradicting myself. When I decided to take it slow because of the kids and try to prioritize things, I told myself that I was not going to let myself be drawn in with this la-di-da of the corporate world. That I was going to take a step back and just be contented with what life has to offer me which is actually ample. It is even archieved in my earlier posts..I was going to be less materialistic and focus on the other things that is important in my life - my family, my soul, my faith. I was doing so well renewing all that when Allah just gave me so little to enjoy in terms of my career path. Then when he opened the door slightly ajar..where I could see my old life back..going up the corporate ladder, I got really tempted that I forgot what I was heading to. I wanted so much to proof to no one else but myself that I was still worth it. I was still sought after for my capabilities and talent. At that point in time I was so much geared towards healing my brutually bruisied ego.

Adlil, my avid ardent fan who never failed in being that wonderful supporter who always believed in me when I myself gave up, who never for a moment doubted me and my capabilities. I know in that deep deep place in your pure heart, you knew that I wasn't going to find what I was looking for but you just cheering for me because you saw the spunk it me that you thought I had lost together with my bruised ego. Thank you Honne. Nevertheless, I cannot have you protecting me and catching me everytime I fall. This time, let me do this on my own, let me learn the hard way but I will managed.

Made a detour and see where I am now? A soul-less soul with no contentment in life, work but just doing it for the fat pay cheque at the end of the month....I let myself be manipulated by these people who is just using my talent and capabilities for their own benefit. I let myself be spiritually and emotionally maneuvered just for the sake of money. Is this what I really want? Ya Allah, what have I become. Where is my renewed faith? What happened to contentment? What happened to wanting to be happy? What happened to Yaya? No way, Yaya has too much dignity and self pride.

Now when I look back and contemplate, now I know probably Allah was just testing me to see whether or not I was sure of what I wanted or whether I was just preeching all that because at that point what I saw was I only had an significant infinitesimal advancement in my career, when in actual fact I had abundant, but I was too overwhelmed what was offered to me in terms of monetary that I refuse to see anything else. Of course everyone could use that extra cash to splurge on Coach, Todds, Gucci & Prada. Where are all the things that I was determined to live for? It was unsighted because of money. Why have I become so immense in "harta dunia"?? Human nature perhaps? That inner voice in you that says; More More More is Good..bullshit!!

Of late, some point or rather I thank Allah for making me realize the hard way that money cannot bring you the happiness that you thought you would accomplish. Allah is making me become conscious of what I really want is sheer contentment, happiness and peace of mind. Something that I can now identify and its all clear to me. I am going to make a change. I am going to make myself WHOLE again. I am going back where I am appreciated and not treated as some irrelevant individual that allows herself be manipulated because of the riches that in the end does not carry any weight in my life. Alhamdulillah.

Adlil, thanks for always believing in me making me always feeling like a million bucks every time. Yon, if you are reading this, I just wanna thank you for being a great friend at work who would always try to spare that lil time that you have to just listening to my grievances and making me laugh with your non sensical jokes. Mak - thanks for being proud of me & helping me raised 3 wonderful kids who my heart beats for. Anis, Iza, Intan, Hani, Zett@Mate Reen, Fara M, Huggable, Shazril, Nadia, Ray, T.Hyok Hwei, Myra, Asma & Salina, my only two sistas in the world Nana & Shasha - you guys are my best supporter and aficionado who I love so very much..your friendship and love means the world to me and I promise that I would never trade you for all the monies in the world. To all of you who have been a true friend, you know who you are, too many superbly wonderful people to mention. To Allah Al Rahman Al Rahim, thank you for your guidance. To Arwah Ayah, thank you for always looking out for me. I am going to make that change. Insyallah.